Love After Loss: Dating After the Death of a Spouse

December 20, 2024

seniors dating after the death of a spouse

If enough time has passed since the loss of your spouse that well-meaning friends and family members have begun to ask when you’re going to start dating again, you may be wondering whether you’re ready to begin looking for someone new to add joy to your life.

There’s no specific amount of time widows and widowers are expected to mourn the death of their spouse. Decades ago, when people asked how long should a widow wait to date, the general rule of thumb was about a year. But times have changed and conventional “wisdom” doesn’t necessarily apply anymore.

The truth is widows and widowers need to decide for themselves when it’s time to start looking for a new romantic relationship. Some may choose to forgo dating indefinitely, and that’s perfectly fine. Others may feel they’re ready within a few months, or they may meet someone they’re attracted to even if they weren’t planning to date again—and that’s absolutely OK, too.

Dating After Widowhood

Deciding when or whether to date after the death of a life partner is different for each person.

Your decision about dating again may be based on a variety of factors, such as:

The depth and duration of the bond you shared with your late spouse
How far along in the grieving process you are
Whether other people and activities are helping you feel less lonely
Your own thoughts and beliefs about dating again, which may be shaped by your upbringing and personal history, your religious or spiritual beliefs and values, and your openness to new experiences

Your decision about dating shouldn’t be based on:

Pressure from others to “move on” with your life
Concerns you may have about feeling judged (which is not to say you should totally ignore such concerns, but they shouldn’t sway your decision)
A sense of urgency to be in another intimate relationship—jumping in too quickly may lead to unsatisfying choices
Others’ opinions about whether you’re ready (while it may be helpful to hear why they think you are or aren’t ready, ultimately the choice is yours)

A Specific Concern Seniors Have About Dating

One reason older adults give for not pursuing a committed relationship after their spouse dies is they don’t want to end up being someone else’s caregiver.

Vicki Panagotacos, a grief and loss counselor, pointed out in a blog post on her website, Open to Hope, that being in a relationship “can become a positive when you think about another person caring [for] and supporting you.”

Dating After the Death of a Spouse Differs From Dating After a Divorce

Finding love after the death of a spouse can seem impossible, and it can be more challenging than for those who’ve gone through a divorce. Getting divorced usually follows a troubled marriage, whereas people who’ve been widowed may be coping with the loss of a very happy marriage.

Additionally, many divorced couples part amicably and choose to keep the lines of communication open. Widows and widowers don’t have that option.

Understanding the unique dynamics of widowhood dating can be helpful whether you’re a surviving spouse or you’re dating someone whose life partner has died.

Those who’ve lost a spouse need to be able to grieve on their own terms. Dating in the later stages of the grieving process can work as long as both people in the relationship are patient and accept that moments of grief are still likely to crop up, often without warning.

If you’re dating someone who is widowed, you may feel at times as if you’re competing with the past. It can be helpful to remember that the person you’re dating built a life with their late spouse. They may take comfort in photos or other items that remind them of their spouse as they sort through decades of memories. If you feel as though the love they have for their late spouse is hampering your relationship, be gentle. Without forcing the issue, try expressing your feelings in a sensitive, compassionate way.

Own Your Feelings—But Don’t Let Them Own You

Only you will know if and when you’re ready to date again. The mere thought of going out with someone new might cause some anxiety. That’s normal; it happens to many—and maybe even most—people who are venturing out into the dating world.

You deserve to be happy, and if your goal is to find someone special who will add vibrance to your life, then dating is the most likely way to make that happen.

You may find after going on a date or two, or even a few months into a relationship, that you’re just not ready to continue. Be honest (and patient!) with yourself and, if you’ve been seeing someone for a while, let them know what’s going on with you.

If you decide you want to wait a while, then socializing with friends, taking up a new hobby, signing up for classes, traveling or volunteering are some ideas for getting out more often (and you never know who you might meet along the way).

On the other hand, if you’re dating and you start enjoying the company of a certain someone, you may experience feelings of guilt. It might seem like you’re betraying the love you have for your late spouse.

Grief counselors use an analogy to help widows and widowers see how they can be romantically involved with another person while honoring their love for a spouse they’ve lost: Having a second child doesn’t diminish the love parents feel for their firstborn child. Their love expands to include both.

In a similar manner, opening up to the possibility of a new intimate relationship doesn’t have to weaken your bond with your late husband or wife.

When You’re Ready To Take That First Step

If you’ve decided you want to try dating again, it’s important to consider what you want in a new relationship and a potential partner. You won’t be able to replace the spouse you’ve lost, but you may find someone who’s right for you in different ways. Another person could bring out facets of you that you didn’t know existed.

Once you’ve determined what and who you’re looking for, here are some dating tips:

Take things slowly and see how you feel. Your feelings about dating may change from day to day.
Let the people you date know about your loss and explain where you are in the grieving process.
Give your dates the chance to see who you are—you’re more than a widow or widower.
It may be difficult, but try not to compare those you date with your late spouse. Rather, try to see them for who they are.
Be safe. Meet new people in public places and tell someone you trust where you’ll be. You can have them call you while you’re on the date to make sure you’re OK.
Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right or raises a red flag, pay attention instead of dismissing it.
Have fun! It’s normal to feel nervous or awkward at first, but if you’re able to relax you might enjoy dating.

Be Prepared for Others’ Reactions

While some of your friends and family may be glad to see you taking an interest in meeting someone new, others might be concerned that you’ll get hurt or taken advantage of. Some may think you’re not ready or that you haven’t waited an “appropriate” amount of time.

If you have children, regardless of their age, they might not understand why you want to date again. They’ve lost a parent, but you’ve lost your spouse—and even though you’ve all lost the same person, you haven’t all lost the same relationship. Your children may not be able to relate to the empty place that exists in your life.

When necessary, let people know that you appreciate their concern and remind them that you deserve a future in which you’re happy.

Create Your Future at Emerald Heights

Being part of a senior living community like Emerald Heights could be a good move for you whether or not you’re interested in dating. You’ll have opportunities every day to expand your social circle and participate in a broad range of groups and activities.

Many Emerald Heights residents know what it’s like to lose a life partner. They’ve found their own ways to heal and greet the future on their terms. More than a few are happy to support others who are going through a similar experience. Monthly support groups are offered to residents at Emerald Heights led by our chaplain and social work team to help older adults cope with their grieving process and find community through challenging times. To learn more about our friendly, growing community and see if you would enjoy living here, contact us and we’ll set up a time for you to visit.

Featured Image: Studio Romantic / Shutterstock